Why Is Self-Esteem Important?
They sat next to each other in high school biology, yet they lived worlds apart. He seemed to have everything going for him. She had a lot to overcome.
He came from a family of good looks, grew up in an expensive neighborhood, and had many of the social privileges usually associated with wealth and success. She was plain in appearance, came from a working-class family, and had to work hard to make passing grades.
There was also another way they were different. He was full of self-doubt, didn’t like the way he looked, and suspected that others paid attention to him only because of his family’s money. She was happy, well-adjusted, and though aware of her limitations was determined to go further in life than others thought she could.
They were two people with two different ways of looking at themselves. What he had in material advantage, she had in self-esteem and self-respect. What he had in appearance, she had in self-acceptance. Together they remind us that we all have a way of looking at ourselves that influences whether we feel adequate or inadequate, likeable or unlikeable, valuable or worthless.
What might seem hard to understand is that the way we feel about ourselves doesn’t just depend on our appearance or abilities. More importantly, our opinion of ourselves depends largely on how we have learned to think about ourselves from the important people in our lives. If the “significant others” in our lives have helped us to feel important and loved, we will be inclined to have a healthy opinion of ourselves. If they have given us reason to feel inadequate and unneeded, we are apt to find ourselves thinking:
- “There’s something wrong with me.”
- “I don’t belong here.”
- “I don’t like myself.”
- “I don’t have what it takes.”
- “I can’t compare.”
More and more people are realizing that if you feel as if you have nothing to offer, you’ll act as if you have nothing to offer. If you have a low image of yourself, you will be inclined to back away from relationships and challenges. Low self-esteem is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you don’t have what it takes to win at life, you are apt to confirm your own prediction.
By contrast, those who believe they have something to offer are more likely to make a positive difference in other people’s lives. People who have a healthy sense of self-respect are more likely to pursue relationships and challenges. Those who think well of themselves will likely fulfill their own expectations.
There is, however, a downside to self-esteem. Even as we acknowledge that healthy self-respect is an advantage, we need to acknowledge that there are dangers to the kind of thinking that is often encouraged in education, media, and even in religious circles. In an effort to help others shed feelings of self-contempt and self-rejection, many have promoted false hope.
Healthy self-esteem needs to be realistic. It’s not a self-confidence that says:
- “I can be anything I want to be.”
- “I deserve more.”
- “I don’t need anyone else’s help.”
- “I don’t have any regrets.”
- “I don’t have any fears.”
Thinking more of ourselves than we ought to think is just as self-defeating as a low self-image. Conceit can cause us to make unfair demands of others or lead us to believe we are entitled to what we don’t have. It can prompt us to ignore our need of God and others.
Instead, the right kind of self-respect rests on a fair assessment of our real strengths and weaknesses. A healthy self-esteem expresses itself with a confidence that says:
- “My life has a purpose.”
- “I belong here.”
- “I can love and be loved.”
- “I need others as they need me.”
- “I will seek forgiveness for my wrongs.”
- “I can be anything God enables me to be.”
The person who has a relationship with Christ can say, “As I walk with Christ and surrender to Him, I can, by His Spirit, be anything He wants me to be and do anything He wants me to do. As I depend on Him for my life, I can overcome obstacles that He wants me to overcome, resist temptation, and avoid pitfalls.”
What this also recognizes, however, is that it is just as true that we will not be able to do anything the Lord doesn’t permit us to do. The sky is not the limit—the will of God is.
The need, then, is for self-esteem with humility—the kind of right-mindedness that, ironically, can give us the confidence that will enable us to do anything God wants us to do.
How Should We Feel About Ourselves?
As we might expect, teachings about humility are not hard to find in Scripture. At first glance, the Bible seems to be more concerned about those who have an excessively high opinion of themselves than with those who struggle with low self-image. For instance, in his letter to the Romans the apostle Paul wrote:
For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith (12:3).
But what did Paul mean when he said we are “to think soberly [about ourselves], as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith”? To answer that question, it’s important to see the meaning of those words in their original context. When we read on we find, first of all, that Paul wanted his readers to think of themselves as people who were mutually reliant on one another’s strengths (12:4-8).
Second, when Paul used the word soberly, he was discouraging his readers from believing that they could do anything they wanted to do regardless of their God-given strengths and talents. Instead, Paul encouraged them to have a sobriety about themselves that was rooted in realism and self-control.
Third, even though Paul advocated self-control, he instructed his readers to think of themselves as people who understood their dependence on God and on one another.
In another letter, Paul showed by example that, in matters beyond his understanding, he put his confidence in God. With the conviction that God alone understands the purpose and character of our lives, Paul wrote:
We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. . . . For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends (2 Cor. 10:12,18 NIV).
When these words are read in context, they draw a picture of an apostle who wrote with both humility and the dignity of self-respect. While committing himself to gentleness and helpfulness toward others (10:1), he also saw in himself the ability to do whatever God wanted him to do (10:2-6). Paul’s confidence was in God, not in himself or in the opinions of others.
Worldly Standards
Although the Bible encourages an awareness of self-worth that has its origin in God, educational or community-based programs often find it necessary to encourage individual self-worth and self-respect without bringing God or religion into the picture. Whether the purpose is to keep children in school, avoid teen pregnancies, or escape the self-destructive habits of drugs, gangs, or alcohol, many programs are based on the belief that good self-esteem can be promoted as the most common and foundational of human values.
Without appealing to religious or spiritual authority, educators and motivational speakers encourage young people to believe, “You’re not junk. You’re special. Don’t let yourself be used by others. Love yourself. Trust yourself and follow your heart. Be all that you can be. Look out for yourself, because if you don’t, no one else will.”
Such attempts to promote a positive self-image have merit. There is no doubt that many young people have been motivated to stay in school and make something of their lives because someone believed in them, or at least taught them to believe in themselves.
At the same time, much that is taught in the name of self-esteem carries a subtle spirituality that can be misleading. Saying that people can be whatever they want to be is true only up to a point. Saying there is no reason to feel bad about what we’ve done is often not true. Encouraging no fear, no guilt, no regret, and no ultimate accountability to anyone but ourselves is only a short-term fix. In the long run, efforts to make people feel better at the expense of the truth is advice that ends in regret and despair.
Kingdom Standards
The Bible teaches us to see the value of our lives by adding God’s perspective to our own. The path to this kind of self-esteem, however, is challenging. The Scriptures do more than acknowledge the importance of self-confidence. They also attach our ultimate well-being and happiness to whether we are willing to see the long-term benefits of acknowledging and confronting the sin in our lives.
At this point you may be wondering whether you want to continue reading. Please keep reading—not only for your own sake, but for the sake of those who are influenced by you. The happiness and inner emotional health God offers is infinitely and eternally better than anything you stand to lose in the process. At first, the Bible’s approach to self-esteem will seem to go against all of your own instincts, but that’s because God sees everything more clearly than we do. He knows that we will eventually be happy only if we learn to see the importance of loving ourselves as God’s image, rejecting our sinful nature, and dying to ourselves. Let’s look at each one of these.
Loving Ourselves as God’s Image
Ironically, the Bible assumes that we already love ourselves. Jesus seemed to acknowledge this when He said, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt. 22:39).
The apostle Paul, while giving marital counsel to couples, made a more direct statement about our natural inclination to love ourselves:
Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church (Eph. 5:28-29).
Our own experiences probably reflect this concept. We habitually look after our own bodies by feeding, clothing, and protecting them. We naturally look after our own rights and are inclined to become frustrated or angry if others try to take advantage of us. We care for ourselves so much that when we don’t measure up to either our own expectations or those of others, we can become very unhappy with others and with ourselves.
What we sometimes miss, however, is that the only reason we are dissatisfied with our appearance or discouraged by our failures is that we naturally care about ourselves. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t care what we looked like, what others think of us, or whether we hurt inside. If we didn’t love ourselves, we wouldn’t even entertain thoughts of whether we’d be better off dead.
However, the apostle Paul, in his letter to the Romans, demonstrates how much more God loves and values us as creations made in His image:
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom. 8:38-39).
This love prompted God to send His only Son to die in our place so we could be reconciled to Him and live with Him forever; loving ourselves begins with allowing ourselves to feel this all-encompassing love from our Creator.
But now comes the real mind-stretcher. According to the Bible, to achieve true self-esteem, you will not only accept love from God, others, and yourself, but you will reject your sinful nature.
Rejecting Our Sinful Nature
What does the Bible say about hating ourselves? One thing is clear. God doesn’t tell us to hate our big ears, crooked nose, or short legs. He doesn’t ask us to focus our contempt on complexion, unmanageable hair, or even a troubling case of bad memory or clumsiness. What He wants us to despise is something far more serious and dangerous to our health—the stubborn self-centeredness of our fallen human nature. Paul recognized this internal tendency when he wrote:
I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? (Rom. 7:21-24 NIV).
Paul’s frustration with himself might seem like a poor choice for a discussion on self-esteem. But his willingness to despise that part of him that is spiritually unprofitable has parallels in everyday life. By learning to see the weakness and failures of his own human nature, Paul is like the builder who has to tear down a condemned building before he can put up a new house on the same plot of land.
In a similar way, the Lord finds it necessary to show us that living for and relying on ourselves can only end in despair. We need to detest this tendency so much that we, like Paul, will cry out to God for deliverance from it. In the process, we find ourselves ready for the next step.
Dying To Ourselves
Before we can begin to make significant progress in our spiritual growth and achieve a mature and satisfying self-esteem, the Bible tells us we also have to learn to die to ourselves. Jesus said:
If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple (Lk. 14:26-27).
We need to be willing to put Jesus ahead of every other relationship (see Jn. 12:25). For our own happiness, we need to give up on all other trusts and sources of life. Just as a seed must die to produce a plant, so we need to bury our confidence in all other hopes before we can discover the ultimate blessedness of finding our life, dignity, and self-acceptance through a complete reliance on God.
All of this may sound unnecessarily severe and self-defeating. But if we could see our future and ourselves from the window of eternity, we would see that any confidence or hope that competes with God for control of our lives is a threat to our well-being. We were made to serve our Creator. We were created to feel good—to feel great—about the privilege of being His servants. We feel empty and unfulfilled if we try to serve anyone or anything other than God Himself (see Eccl. 12:9-14).
By What Do We Value In Ourselves?
At this point it should be apparent that our Father in heaven, like all loving parents, wants us to feel good about ourselves. But He wants it to be on His terms, not ours. That might sound like bad news, but Heaven’s values are so much richer and more meaningful than the short-lived values that tend to catch our eye.
Worldly Standards
Our natural inclination is to think that our well-being and ability to feel good about ourselves lie in values such as physical appearance, intelligence, affluence, or power.
If these are our values, we are in trouble. Regardless of how they are described, they are superficial, short-lived, and misleading. It’s a lie of unbelievable proportions that real value is found in a handsome face, a well-dressed body, a quick mind, or a fat bank account.
Yet the children of the world are nurtured or neglected, pampered or put off, largely on the basis of the bone structure and fat deposits of their bodies, the alertness of their minds, or the social status of their parents. Children are raised to feel good or bad about themselves depending on how they fit into the selfish, ever-changing mold of the world around them.
Does this mean we should always despise these values? No; we need to do the best we can with what the Lord has given us. Being a well-groomed, quick-witted person has its place. And in a limited sense, this can help us to feel better about ourselves.
But when it comes to the real basis of self-esteem, we need to build on the truth of what the Lord said to the prophet Samuel while showing him the next king of Israel. Of one “hot prospect” the Lord said:
Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart (1 Sam. 16:7).
After recording the importance of God’s “inner view,” however, the same chapter describes David, the Lord’s anointed, as being “ruddy, with bright eyes, and good-looking” (1 Sam. 16:12). Apparently, the Lord Himself sees the practical significance of human considerations while making it plain that His eye is on the heart.
Then there was Jeremiah the prophet. He declared to his troubled, dying world:
Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, let not the mighty man glory in his might, nor let the rich man glory in his riches; but let him who glories glory in this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord” (Jer. 9:23-24).
Kingdom Standards
Are we more driven by profit or by our integrity? Are we more concerned about looking good or about doing good? Are we primarily concerned with what we can get out of others or what we can give? Do we merely reflect our circumstances or do we rise above our circumstances as people of inner direction, purpose, and principle? Such issues of character can make an enormous difference in whether or not we feel good about ourselves. But the character that is developed within us by God Himself makes the greatest difference of all.
What do we need to do to develop such character? There are a number of ways of answering that question. The apostle Paul’s letter to the Romans is helpful because it links the quality of our relationship to God with a healthy opinion of ourselves. In the 12th chapter, Paul described three steps that will accompany the kind of self-esteem
God is looking for. According to Paul: (1) We need to give up our own rights, trusting God for whatever He wants to do with us. (2) We need to resist social pressure to conform to materialistic values. (3) We need to renew our minds with the words and thoughts of God.
Notice how Paul included these elements and connected them to the way God wants us to think about ourselves:
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you [step 1] present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And [step 2] do not be conformed to this world, but [step 3] be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, [result] not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith (Rom. 12:1-3).
Paul went on to describe the results of this surrender (12:4-21). His words show that those who live according to these principles have reason to feel good about themselves and what they are doing.
Are We Inherently Good OR Bad?
As we saw earlier, the Bible’s approach to a healthy and realistic opinion of ourselves is a two-sided coin. One side gives us reason to celebrate our status as valued members of God’s Kingdom. The other side gives us reason to reject our sinful nature. If we try to emphasize either side to the neglect of the other, we end up with an opinion of ourselves that is more inclined to reflect worldly standards rather than God’s.
Worldly Standards
According to some social scientists and educators, humans aren’t born bad. We are damaged by the shaping influences of our environment. Even though similar patterns and tendencies of human behavior show up in all cultures, many continue to see flaws of human character as written by the chalk of social pressure on what begins as the empty blackboard of innocence. They believe we all begin with a clean slate and that human nature is amoral until a child begins to interact with society.
Another perspective is added by those who believe the human species is a sophisticated animal related to all other life forms by processes of accident and adaptation. Human nature by this standard is not good or bad, but rather an ongoing expression of “survival of the fittest.”
Kingdom Standards
In the biblical view of human nature, we are shaped by both spiritual dignity and moral depravity. From Genesis to Revelation, we find a description of our humanity that is at once more complimentary and more critical than we will find in any social science textbook.
Spiritual Dignity
According to the Bible, human nature carries with it an inherent sense of dignity. Genesis describes us as a race of beings made in the likeness of God. That sets us apart. Crows, crocodiles, and crickets were made by Him and for Him. But they were not made with a capacity to know, enjoy, obey, and talk to God. That has been reserved for us. We have been made in His image—every one of us. Every one of us is far more valuable, therefore, than the family dog (even if he gets treated better sometimes), far more valuable than a river or an ocean or a mountain, and far more valuable than the combined assets of our planet. Because of the designer label we bear, and because of what we have been made for, it would be impossible for any of us to adequately estimate our inherent personal worth.
David, the ancient king of Israel, understood the source of this dignity. Known as “a man after God’s own heart,” he saw the origin of human value when he prayed:
You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them (Ps. 139:13-16).
We may not have the appearance, abilities, or social privileges we’d like to have. Yet we exist by the will and wisdom of the God who has made us for Himself. Whether we’re good-looking or not, whether we’re rich or poor, whether we’re African, Asian, or European by descent, God has made us to know, honor, and enjoy Him forever.
Moral Depravity
It is just as clear, however, that none of us exists in original showroom condition. The term depravity is used by theologians to describe the extent to which every part of the human personality has been damaged by our spiritual separation from God. Our shared moral depravity doesn’t mean that we are all as bad as we can be. It means that we are all fallen, broken beings who from our birth are so spiritually defective that we are inclined to live for ourselves in stubborn, self-centered ways.
We pay dearly for this inherited spiritual condition. We end up feeling good about bad things and bad about good things. We all feel the pull of sexual temptation, social power, and material indulgence. All too often we resort to aggressive, angry ways of dealing with those who compete with us for limited resources. We each take turns proving what the Bible says about human nature (Rom. 1–3).
Does our spiritual condition touch our self-image? Like a fish touches water! It’s hard to feel good about ourselves when we intuitively know that something is wrong with us. Something deep within lets us know we were made to walk on higher ground, to breathe better air, and to enjoy more loving relationships. Yet, not surprisingly, the bends and twists in our own nature get in the way of solutions.
Stubborn self-reliance, one of the symptoms of our flawed human nature, has a way of making low self-esteem worse. With subtle, self-centered demands, we signal to the world that we don’t like what is happening to us. We think we deserve better. We are angry that we can’t have the appearance or abilities or relationships or circumstances that others have. We don’t like ourselves the way we are. We think we need our self-esteem pumped up. What we don’t realize is that our depravity can deceive us and that what we thought was low self-esteem can be wounded pride.
Sometimes it is our bruised pride that prompts us to struggle with anger and envy. No, it’s not easy to accept, but it’s true. Sometimes it is our concealed conceit that convinces us that because we have been hurt, it is necessary for us to hurt others. Rather than rising above the problem, we get tangled in it. We do to others what has been done to us.
Whose Opinion Counts?
According to the Bible, the ultimate answer for our spiritual needs is more than adequate to rescue us from the grip of low self-esteem. Ironically, the same solution can deliver us from an excessively high opinion of ourselves. Once again, though, we need to see the difference between seeing and valuing ourselves by human standards or by the standards of heaven.
Worldly Standards
Some say that the only way out of the trap of low self-esteem is to see yourself as the most significant person in your life. The world says, “The answer lies within you. You must reach deep within yourself for the resources necessary to rise above the rejections, the insults, the lack of fairness. You can be anything you want to be. You just need to believe in yourself. Make your own breaks. Don’t settle for anything less than your dreams. You deserve it. You are the most important person in your life.”
What’s true about this point of view is that we do need courage and strength of will to make choices that are in our own best interests. But that’s not the whole story.
Kingdom Standards
According to the Bible, the most important Person in our life is not us but the One who cares more for us than anyone can imagine (see Eph. 3:14-21).
What’s astounding is that in the unfolding chapters of the greatest story ever told, the great King and Creator of Genesis appears in history as our Savior. After giving us life (Jn. 1:1-4), the same God miraculously took on the body of a man to come to our rescue (Jn. 1:14).
According to the combined Gospel records of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, our Creator lived for us and among us in the person of Jesus Christ. But by those same accounts He did more than live for us—He also died for us. What God did for us in the person of His Son is enough to change the way we think about ourselves today and forever.
In life, Jesus gave us every reason to trust that He had come on behalf of heaven. In death, He took the punishment for everything we should feel bad about. In resurrection, He showed His power to overcome our worst enemy and bring each of us to our ultimate potential. What a story! It’s the ultimate kind of prisoner exchange. First, He took our place on an executioner’s cross. Then, after destroying everything that could hurt us, He provided us with a wonderful exchange: His pardon for our guilt, His strength for our weakness, His goodness for our depravity.
The terms of this exchange are strikingly clear. When we admit our guilt and trust Him, He gives us a new identity, a new address, and a new profession. In short, He offers us a whole new life, and with it comes a new way of thinking about ourselves.
In Christ We Have A Position That’s Secure
Once we have trusted Christ as Savior, we have an irreversible relationship with Him. Christ fought and won a battle with sin that we never could have fought or won on our own. That makes Him our Savior, our Lord, our life, our forgiveness, our hope, our protection, our source of everything we could ever ask for—and more. That makes Him infinitely more important and more significant than any other person in our life. That gives us every reason to trust what He says about us.
All of this may seem hard to accept. Everything inside you might say you’d rather have your father’s approval, your mother’s affection, your children’s respect, your mate’s unconditional love. But is that really the answer? How significant are they compared to the One who designed you and then died so you might live with Him eternally?
“But,” you say, “that all seems so theoretical, so ethereal, so far off.” Then let’s start nearer to home. Perhaps you’ve decided that you aren’t much to look at. Maybe you come from a dysfunctional family. Let’s say you’re poor, emotionally unstable, or relying on different substances just to get by. What can Christ do for you in that condition? Well, if you’ve trusted Him as your Savior, then let your heart be captured by the most important Person in your life. Trust the most reliable authority in the world when it tells you that in Christ, you have:
- A new past (Rom. 6:1-6).
- A new future (8:18-32).
- A new lease on life (2 Cor. 5:17).
- A new relationship with God (1 Jn. 1:1-4).
- A new inheritance (Eph. 1:11).
- A new source of provision (Phil. 4:19).
- A new family (1 Jn. 3:1).
- A new assurance (Heb. 13:5).
Because of our position in Christ, our relationship with Him, and our position in His family, we never have to doubt His love. Yet there is much more. This position in Christ becomes a basis not only for a new self-image, but a whole new way of life. It provides a foundation for new attitudes and a new approach to relationships. When practiced, it gives us so much to feel good about and to be thankful for.
In Christ We Have A Challenge For Living
In the first two chapters of his letter to the Colossians, the apostle Paul wrote about our position in Christ and all the riches that are ours in Him. Paul then challenged us to live a life in keeping with our position when he wrote:
If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory (Col. 3:1-4).
We need to think of ourselves as the people God says we are. We need to show that what He says about us is far more important than what anyone else says or doesn’t say about us (Eph. 4:17-32).
This doesn’t happen automatically. It happens only as we continually renew our minds with the thoughts of God, as we consciously think about who we are in Christ, and as we expectantly wait on the Lord for His ability to be and do everything He wants us to be and do (2 Cor. 3:5; Phil. 4:10-13).
It doesn’t happen overnight. Learning to practice our position in Christ is a process. It’s a struggle. It’s a long walk that gives us one opportunity after another to believe what the Lord says about us. Either we believe Him, or we believe our feelings, enemies, and circumstances.
A New Beginning
It has been said that the best way to get rid of an enemy is to make him your friend. But how do you make the “enemy” of poor self-esteem your friend? Let your weakness push you to dependence on God. He alone can give you every good and every lasting reason to feel good about yourself. The results of acknowledging that you have been on the wrong path will far outweigh any temporary pain of confession. You will soon find great relief as a result of admitting to God that you have sinned by banking on the world’s values. Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Then, confess Jesus Christ as your Creator, Lord, and Savior. Trust Him to save you on the basis of the payment for sin He made on the cross. Accept the fact that when He died, He died for you. When He rose from the dead, He rose to make His life available to all who would believe.
This is the first step to a new beginning. It is God’s answer for a new birth, a new identity, and a new potential. It’s found in the One who loves us more than we could ever love or care for ourselves.
