Ruth and Pete are both Christians. For the first time in her life, Ruth is questioning how God expects her to endure the boredom of this relationship. In the past, when malaise would strike, Ruth reminded herself of her commitment to love, honor, and keep Pete “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.” She would recommit herself to try harder and then occupy her every waking moment with the myriad of tasks of being a housewife and a mother of two preschool children.
But once her children were in school, she had time on her hands that intensified her loneliness. So she got a part-time job as an administrative assistant for a small business.
Her boss, Bill, is a sensitive man who enjoys talking with her. He listens attentively. Occasionally he takes her to lunch, where they laugh and talk about things Ruth yearns to be able to share with Pete. She feels simultaneously alive and vulnerable when she’s at work. This sensitive man has made her feel special again. She even has fantasies of being married to Bill. She wonders if she’s being drawn into an affair. Part of her says she would never do that. Yet she doesn’t want this—whatever this is—to end.
What if Ruth were your friend and she confided in you? What would you say to her?
Or consider a different scenario. Instead of marital boredom, what if Ruth told you a story of an eating disorder, or a sexual addiction? What if the problem were alcohol or drug abuse or debilitating depression? How about sleep-stealing anxiety, or a paralyzing fear? Would you think that Ruth’s problems were spiritual or psychological, or both?
Would you refer her to a pastor or counselor? Would you expect a counselor to talk about the reality of sin and the need for repentance and obedience to God?
If Jesus were walking on earth today, do you think he would advocate going to a counselor for help with one’s struggles? Or would he see the “counseling industry” as something that misses our real needs and distracts us from devotion to God?
Is Counseling an Option? There is reason for caution in answering these questions. Many different models have been developed of how people are supposed to function, what goes wrong, and how to intervene when problems become unmanageable. The influence of these differing theories on Christian counseling has created a growing debate in the church. People are divided over whether we need more than the Bible, prayer, and faith in Christ to deal with our problems. Does Christ’s provision for us include medication, trauma therapy, EMDR, support groups, and an understanding of family history, and deeply buried motives?
The book of Proverbs encourages us to look for good counselors, while being just as careful to avoid the bad ones. Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” And Proverbs 20:5 adds, “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.”
What is just as true, however, is that counsel can be as dangerous as it is helpful. There have always been counselors who have told people what they wanted to hear rather than what they needed to hear.
There are deep reasons why some problems are so resistant to change. Many of our physical and emotional issues are rooted in unbearable emotions, images or bodily sensations that remind us of trauma, neglect or abuse. These often manifest themselves in the form of addictions. Addiction is painful, but not nearly as painful as the memories or fears that they are trying to numb. They are hard-to-break habits because they work—for the moment. The immediate pleasure and satisfaction temporarily dulls our feelings of disappointment, rejection, and anxiety. The fact that we “hate ourselves in the morning” only makes us more susceptible to go back to our vice for another painkilling moment. The cycle goes on and on, and we sink deeper and deeper. The more we indulge our compulsions, the more satisfaction they demand.
[C]ounsel can be as dangerous as it is helpful. There have always been counselors who have told people what they wanted to hear rather than what they needed to hear.
But there is an even deeper reason problems are resistant to change. According to the Bible, these painful problems of life are complicated by the fact that we so often choose to take solutions into our own hands and look for solutions outside of God and his created order. Whenever we attempt to kill our pain with another drink, another trip to the refrigerator, or another illicit sexual encounter, we are displacing the rightful place of God in our lives. Instead of believing that he is the source of life, we worship at the altar of wine, or food, or sex. Instead of believing that God and his ways are what truly can satisfy us, we worship idols in the shape of our obsession—idols that are to some degree under our own control.
Often we do not see what is happening. Our addictions remain rooted in us because our hearts are masters of denial. We say things like: “I can stop whenever I want to. I don’t really have a problem. A lot of other people are a lot worse off than I am. I don’t need to see a pastor. I don’t need to see a counselor.” Denial. Self‑deception. Lies.
The prophet Jeremiah understood why some problems are so resistant to change when he said, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). Our thinking can become so twisted that we choose to do things we know to be wrong and yet feel powerless to change.
That’s where Ruth is. She is on the verge of choosing something she knows to be wrong. But at the moment, she feels it is more life-giving than anything God seems to be offering. Feeling good at any price is replacing her pursuit of God. Ruth is abandoning the simple yet life-changing truth that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). Proverbs 14:12 is being played out in her life: “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.”
We’ve all been there at one time or another. We’ve all chosen solutions that have made our problems worse. We’ve struggled within ourselves, with God, and with others, in ways that have left us battered, scarred, wounded, and defeated.
Our thinking can become so twisted that we choose to do things we know to be wrong and yet feel powerless to change.
These are the times when we need the help of a wise friend who will gently but courageously help us take a hard look at how we are responding to our disappointment and fear. It is during those tough times—times when our faith falters, when we don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, and when there seems to be no sense to life nor any reason to go on—that we need the wise counsel of someone more objective than we are at the moment. It is during those times that we reach the end of ourselves and in brokenness become open to the help of God and others. We need a heart like the one Jesus called for when he said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear” (Mark 4:9).
This article is excerpted from When Help is Needed, a Discovery Series resource from Our Daily Bread Ministries. Click the link or the Banner below to download the full resource or to order multiple free copies of the booklet.
