When Violence Comes Home

1. A Common Problem 

Cindy’s voice shook uncontrollably as she explained over the phone that her husband Ron had just tracked her down with a loaded gun and threatened to kill her. This was not the first time Ron had been abusive in a drunken rage. He had physically battered and verbally humiliated Cindy throughout their troubled marriage. 

Unfortunately, marriages like Ron and Cindy’s are not rare. Even within the church the problem of spouse abuse is alarmingly prevalent. Bill and Karen were no exception. The couple appeared to bear the signs of a happy, Christian couple. Bill served as a church greeter. Karen volunteered in the nursery. On any given Sunday Bill could be seen holding Karen’s hand walking out of church.

But for years an ugly secret afflicted their marriage. 

The first signs of unbalance appeared in the early days of dating. After initially declaring his undying love for her, Bill broke off the relationship. He insinuated that Karen was becoming a distraction to his desire to serve God. Karen felt devastated and confused. Days later Bill begged her to take him back. In Bill’s eyes, Karen deserved to be with him—someone so spiritually devoted. The back and forth confused Karen, but she took him back promising to follow him wherever God might lead.

During their engagement, Bill confessed to Karen that God had been working on his struggles with pride. He went on to tell her about a beautiful girl he once dated. He explained that he felt convicted over the pride of always wanting to marry a gorgeous woman, and that was now why he could marry Karen. Bill’s comments sliced through Karen’s heart like an arrow, but she dismissed them, like she would countless more digs.. Bill continued to make subtle jabs that made her feel both “less than” and yet fortunate to have such a “godly” man interested in her. 

Shortly after the honeymoon, the verbal assaults became more direct. Bill scrutinized her every move with a fine-tooth comb, pointing out Karen’s every “mistake.” She didn’t cook “his” meals right. She didn’t keep “his” house clean enough. She wasn’t sexually responsive enough. He told her she spent too much money on groceries and yet he regularly scolded her about the lack of food in the house. 

There was one particular morning when Karen felt ill, and after getting up early to make his breakfast and pack his lunch, she decided to crawl back into bed. A short time later Bill’s booming voice startled her awake. “What are you still doing in bed?” he scolded her as he stood in the doorway of their bedroom. She tried to explain that she wasn’t feeling well, but it didn’t matter. He insisted that grown ups should be up and going by that time of the morning. 

Any time Karen tried to express a concern or an opinion that differed with Bill, he would get angry, shout her down, put her on a guilt trip, and eventually withdraw. Sometimes he would not speak to her for days. She learned very quickly that it was not only pointless, but unsafe to share her point of view. Bill wasn’t interested in what she thought or felt. He was the only person allowed to feel angry, be hurt, or have an opinion. 

And then there was the isolation. Each time Karen mentioned getting together with a friend or a family member, he would utter something negative about that person. It was at these times that he would remind her of all the “important” things she needed to get done around the house. He complained if she talked to a friend on the phone. He would often suggest that her friends were too worldly or a stumbling block to her relationship with God. He drilled it into her that her family wasn’t spiritually minded enough. Bill explained to Karen that he was only trying to “protect” her, and would quote Bible verses to support his criticisms. 

At first Karen debated with him, but she never won. So she stopped. She felt powerless and collapsed, as most victims do. Differing with Bill simply became too exhausting, impossible —and physically dangerous. 

Eventually, Bill started squeezing and slapping her face when she “talked back.” From there, the abuse escalated, as it usually does. Although she didn’t recognize it at the time, Karen was losing herself to Bill’s self-absorption. The woman God created her to be was morphing into the person Bill wanted her to be for him.  

Women like Cindy and Karen who experience the trauma of abuse feel completely overwhelmed, worn out, and without options. No matter how accommodating they try to be, it seems like they can never do enough to make their husband’s happy. And if they dare try talking with their husband’s about how unhappy they feel, or even hint at having an opinion that differs from their husband, or need that is more pressing than his, he will typically respond by going on the attack or playing the “poor me” victim card. Whether they do it consciously or not, abusive husbands are masters at flipping the script—making their wives feel responsible for the abuse and stressful conflict their very own insecurities and selfishness created.

Although many abused spouses feel a vague sense of feeling trapped in an unbalanced relationship, earlier life experiences combined with their partner’s brainwashing have programmed most to automatically accept the blame for their partner’s manipulation and violence. When their partner seems to have everyone else intimidated or fooled by persuasive charm, these individuals quietly wonder if they are losing their minds. 

The abusive spouse holds most, if not all, the power in the relationship. 

 Marital abuse is the misuse of power. It’s an attempt to coerce and control one’s spouse through a combination of emotional blackmail and physical threat. It is more common with husband to wife because of the physical difference of strength. But it happens to both. This booklet will focus on the abuse of wives while recognizing that the concepts can be applied to the reverse situation. 

Marital abuse is ultimately about a spouse who makes it all about him. He is not interested in being a mutually considerate partner. Whatever is important to him—his pain, his needs, his wants, hs opinions, his plans, his hobbies, his friends, etc.,—that’s what takes center stage. Everything else, at least in his eyes, is irrelevant. And he is relentless and clever at pressuring his wife to see life exclusively through their self-absorbed lenses. 

If this describes the person you are married to, you know how traumatizing it is when violence comes home: heart pounding, stomach churning, palms sweating.

You are not alone! Many wives, and more husbands that we realize, experience the toxic cycle and damage of spouse abuse. Coming to terms with what has been happening to you may be frightening. But there is a dawn beyond the darkness. While there are no easy answers for a spouse in your situation, you don’t need to keep burying the pain of your abuse or tolerating your spouse’se selfish and godless behavior. Many have learned that there is help and options available from God and the people he can bring into your life. 

The Cycle of Abuse.

An abusive relationship typically follows a cycle marked by three well-recognized phases.1 Many relationships will repeat this over and over. 

The tension-building phase is a period of time when a wife either avoids her husband or frantically scurries around to keep his world running to his satisfaction. She does this to prevent triggering another abusive explosion. In this way, she clings to the illusion of limited control in the relationship. 

Sometimes minor skirmishes erupt, but she quickly diffuses his anger and suppresses her own either by blaming herself (“I should have kept quiet about the credit-card bill”) or something in his environment (“He must have had a tough day at work”). But each time she fails to live up to her husband’s standards, tension increases. Eventually the tension simmers to a boil, triggering the next phase. 

The acute battering or abusive phase—The incidents in this phase are far more intense. They are usually triggered by a particular event or set of circumstances, though rarely the same and often unpredictable. Like a violent storm that strikes on a sunny day, the physical attack or verbal assault can seem to come out of nowhere. Normally, this phase lasts from two to twenty-four hours.2 

Initially, a wife is in a state of shock and disbelief. If she’s been through the abusive cycle multiple times, she’s likely to experience a mixture of relief and rage—relief that the inevitable assault is over, and rage over her husband’s empty promises to stop. She may need medical treatment. She might report her husband to the authorities or inform family members of the abuse. Typically, however, she focuses her energy on not thinking about what just happened and burying how angry and helpless she feels. The only emotion she typically allows herself to experience is self-hatred for not doing something more to prevent the abuse. 

The calm-and-penance phase is a time when the abuser appears to be stricken with grief over his cruel and insensitive actions. He often works hard to make up for what he’s done with apparent acts of kindness, promising never to abuse again. Usually, a wife welcomes this phase and enjoys the special attention. Because she desperately wants to believe that her husband is sincere, she tends to overrate the genuineness of his remorse. During this time she may drop criminal charges or shrink away from pursuing legal separation or divorce. She will frequently come up with “reasonable” explanations as to why her husband mistreated her. This phase may last a day or a few months. Eventually, however, the tensions mount again and the cycle repeats. 

Sometimes the calm-and-penance phase is substituted with a sudden returntonormal phase. In this phase, there is often a significant period of silence. A wife may be hoping that her husband will apologize. But what usually happens is that he begins to act as if nothing ever happened. The abusive incident is not mentioned and no apology is offered. Life just somehow goes back to “normal.” But because their problems are not exposed and worked through, it’s only the calm before the next storm. Eventually, the tension escalates, leading to another abusive episode. 

The Wounds of Spouse Abuse 

Abuse pierces the body and soul of a woman. Countless wives have sought medical attention for the physical trauma they have received at the hands of an enraged, out-of-control husband. These include bruises, scrapes, scratches, cuts, internal injuries, and broken bones. Others have quietly endured the pain of a bloodied nose or a sprained neck or shoulder. 

Many women claim that the wounds that go unseen hurt the most. These include the sting of betrayal, feelings of powerlessness, a loss of freedom, and a suppression of dignity. 

The Sting of Betrayal. One abused wife tearfully recalled her dream of being married to a man who truly loved and cherished her. Though there may have been a few occasions before their marriage when her husband’s anger was explosive and out of proportion, she never dreamed it would be directed toward her to such an extreme. In the early stages of their relationship, her husband smothered her with kindness and attention. She found his apparent love and concern attractive. 

Hidden under his cloak of charm and gentleness, however, was a scheme to possess and control her. Eventually her dreams were shattered as she realized that she’s married to an insecure and controlling man who was either emotionally unavailable or extremely smothering, or some combination of both. The sting of betrayal deepened as her husband repeatedly broke his promise to stop the abuse. 

  Feelings of Powerlessness. A husband’s superior physical strength and intimidating threats, or cultural and religious expectations leave an abused wife feeling she is unable to stop the abuse. Her sense of powerlessness intensifies as she begins to recognize she can’t prevent the damage the abuse is causing her and her children. 

Over time, an abused wife begins to believe that the abuse is somehow her fault. She doubts herself as a wife, homemaker, mother, and lover. Although she may excel at a job with many important responsibilities, she does not feel competent in her home. After an abusive incident, one woman said, “If only I wouldn’t have asked him to look at the car when it was acting up. Then maybe he wouldn’t have slammed me against the wall.” Loss of Freedom. An abusive husband often limits his wife’s social life, telling her whom she can be friends with or taking away the credit card. In extreme cases, a wife must get “permission” before doing anything out of her normal routine. In an attempt to control his wife and keep the abuse silent, the husband often makes all of her major decisions. A wife begins to feel she has no life of her own and no voice to speak. And if she did speak, no one would pay attention. 

Suppression of Dignity. An abusive husband regularly suppresses his wife’s dignity. He may tell her that she can’t think for herself. He frequently mocks and discounts her feelings, thoughts, and desires. As a result, she feels as if she has ceased to exist as a person. This leads to a “hollow” appearance in which she seems emotionally and intellectually barren. 

2. The Myths 

Several myths surround the issue of wife abuse. Let’s look at four of them: 

MYTH #1: Some men can’t help themselves. Some believe there are men who don’t have the ability to cope with frustration in healthier ways. They say these men have no choice but to abuse. In responding to this claim, James and Phyllis Alsdurf state, “If frustrating situations offered only one option, abusers would be equally violent on the job, driving in traffic, or interacting with friends; but that is simply not true. The majority of abusers direct their violence specifically and purposely toward their wives.”3 

Others blame alcohol and drug abuse for a batterer’s violent behavior. Addictive behavior does complicate many abusive marriages. But the solution to the violence is not as simple as eliminating alcohol and drugs. Not every abuser drinks or does drugs. And not every alcoholic or drug addict is an abuser. And not every abuser who quits drinking, quits abusing his spouse. The failure to hold abusers responsible for their abuse, no matter what other factors may be influencing them, only adds fuel to a fire already burning out of control. 

MYTH #2: Abused women are to blame. Some believe that wife abuse would not occur if it were not for women who drive their husbands over the edge. They point out that some women bait their husbands with a frigid attitude or constant nagging. They maintain that some women gain the attention and sympathy of others by provoking their husbands to violence. 

While there may be occasional situations when this kind of baiting exists, it’s never an excuse for abuse. Battered women generally keep the abuse private.4 That’s why wife battering is referred to as the “silent crime.” Battered women normally don’t seek sympathy from others. They keep it to themselves because of the guilt and shame they feel and because they’re afraid of what might happen if they report their husbands’ behavior. 

Some wives admit to provoking their husbands’ rage, not because they like being abused but because they have been through the cycle enough times to know that after the storm their husbands are inclined to be remorseful, kind, and gentle. Additionally, “getting the abuse over with” eases the tension of not knowing when the next abusive storm will strike. For many abused wives, living with the overwhelming fear of not knowing when the abuse will erupt again is worse than the abusive incident itself. 

MYTH #3: The Bible teaches that an abused woman must be willing to follow Christ’s example of suffering and endure her husband’s abuse. This may be the most serious of all myths. Many well-intentioned pastors and counselors have sent wives back into dangerous homes after quoting the apostle Peter’s words: To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. . . . Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives (1 peter 2:21; 3:1–2). 

Many battered wives remain in abusive marriages because they’ve been taught that the suffering example of Christ requires that they stay. But neither the broader nor the immediate context of the Bible requires that a wife endure her husband’s abuse. God is portrayed throughout the Bible as an advocate who “upholds the cause of the oppressed” (psalm 146:7). He has always asked people of strength to come to the assistance of those who are weak and oppressed: Stop doing wrong. Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow (isaiah 1:16–17). It would be inconsistent with the rest of Scripture if Peter were endorsing any behavior that would have encouraged the oppression of wives by abusive husbands. 

Furthermore, it is a mistake to assume that Peter was referring to an abusive marriage in 1 Peter 3:1–6. He clearly describes a marriage of a believing wife and an unbelieving husband (v. 2). To import abuse into this text is not justifiable by the evidence from the text itself. Peter encouraged wives to influence their husbands not by lecturing them into the kingdom but rather by loving them well. 

In our day we have laws against domestic violence. By enduring abuse in secret, a battered wife is hiding criminal behavior within her own home that God says needs to be exposed and stopped. 

MYTH #4: When the Bible requires a wife to submit to her husband “in everything,” that includes abuse. Many Christian wives suffer because they honestly desire to honor God’s calling to “submit to their husbands in everything” (ephesians 5:24). Some have mistakenly taught them that “everything” includes abuse and betrayal. 

But Ephesians 5 does not address abusive relationships. In fact, the opposite is true. God knew that the battle within the home would be for control (genesis 3:16). He knew that some husbands would grab the power and rule harshly over their wives (colossians 3:19), so he established the context for submission. The Bible states that “as the church submits to Christ,” so a wife is to submit to her husband “in everything” (ephesians 5:24). What’s implied is not only how wives are to submit, but the type of leadership that they and the church are to submit to. Christ’s leadership is the model for husbands. His leadership was loving and sacrificial. Christ would never demand the church to submit to an abuse of power. Neither would he advocate a wife submitting to a husband’s abuse of power. Abuse is a destructive distortion of leadership that calls for a radically different response from a spiritually healthy woman. 

A wife has good reason to follow a husband who loves, leads, and sacrifices as Jesus did for the church (ephesians 5:23,25,28–29). However, when a husband violates his call to love by a pattern of oppressive control and violence, a wife must take strong steps to protect herself and her children from his abusive stranglehold. She can still respond in a way that shows love and respect to her husband—even though she doesn’t submit to his abuse. Before discussing what that kind of response might look like, let’s consider why and how a wife tends to respond to a husband who misuses his power to dominate her. 

3. The Typical Response 

A wife in an abusive situation has much to fear. She is afraid of losing everything she holds dear—her husband, her children, her financial support, her house, her family reputation, and her physical and emotional well-being.

In many cases, an abused woman’s greatest fear is that her husband will abandon her. Her heart flinches at the thought of being left alone. She doesn’t necessarily want him out of her life; she just wants him to stop hurting her. If he does end up rejecting her, what will that say about her? What will others think? What about the children? What about the economic hardship? How will they make it on their own? 

Most wives tolerate the abuse out of these deep and real fears. They pursue peace at any cost and flee from any kind of confrontation. They generally excuse or minimize the abuse. While a woman may feel flashes anger, she cowers at the thought of doing anything that might incur her husband’s anger. She “walks on eggshells,” careful not to arouse the sleeping giant lest she or her children bear the brunt of his rage.  

Jill spoke of how she repeatedly turned down invitations to social gatherings that she really wanted to attend. She was afraid that going would make Sam angry. She typically strove to accommodate his wishes and avoid his angry outbursts. But what Jill eventually discovered was that she could never do enough. And for that failure she came to believe that she deserved a joyless marriage and Sam’s abuse. 

Accommodating and cooperating with a spouse’s subtle and not subtle demands and threats may buy a wife some temporary peace and sanity, perhaps even some affection, but it doesn’t last. Because of the extreme levels of selfishness at work in the heart of her abusive spouse, marital abuse, if not confronted, will continue to escalate and suck the life of out her. 

Occasionally, an abused wife will lash out at her husband. Although she’s still frightened, when pushed far enough her anger, which she generally suppresses, surfaces and gets the best of her. She may try to get even with a sarcastic or demeaning comment. She may even try to physically strike back. Usually, though, an abused wife’s revenge is more passive aggressive. She may let the house go, or make her husband late for church or social engagements, or fail to give him an important phone message. These are subtle ways of getting even and controlling him. 

A woman’s desire for revenge is not necessarily wrong, but taking revenge is. God says that revenge is his business (romans 12:19). Instead, God calls us to consider responding differently to abuse. This response shows love and respect without backing away from the gravity of the situation and the need to escape to a place of safety. A battered wife may feel helpless and cornered with few options. But she can discover the God-given freedom and power within her to respond in love to a man who is acting as her enemy. 

4. Love’s Response 

Jesus made this unlikely statement: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you” (luke 6:27). Some may argue that if an abused wife were to apply Jesus’s words to her situation, it would only encourage her husband to be more abusive. Although following Jesus’s counsel may cost her many things, loving and doing good is in no way meant to help an abusive husband indulge in his lust for power and control. Instead, a loving response refuses to tolerate the abuse and does whatever is reasonable to help her husband understand the harm he’s causing to others and himself. 

1. Seeking Help from Others. An abused wife shouldn’t try to confront abuse in her marriage without assistance. Confrontation is a long, difficult and potentially dangerous process. A husband may respond to any confrontation with greater intimidation and violence. She needs help from those who will support her and ensure her safety. One woman, for example, had two male friends present when she first confronted her husband. She also arranged for a place for her and her children to stay while her husband contemplated what they discussed. 
2. Careful Timing. There is no “good” time to confront abuse. This is something that should be carefully thought through with others. 

One thing is for certain—most battered women should not try to confront an abusive husband in the heat of an abusive episode because she is typically alone and unprotected. When a husband is physically and emotionally out of control, the best thing to do is to lay low and, as soon as possible, call for help or go somewhere safe. 

One woman was able to remain calm when her husband picked up their toddler by the hair and threatened to break his neck. She knew he was capable of doing anything, so she didn’t want to get him any angrier. Once her child was out of harm’s way, she called the police and then went to stay with her parents. 

3. Exposing the Abuse. Instead of hiding the abuse, a wife needs to make careful plans to expose the terrible things her husband has been doing to her behind closed doors. Exposing an abusive husband always involves outside help from those who understand the selfish and potentially dangerous dynamics of marital abuse. They can assist and protect her while also helping her husband face up to his responsibility for the abuse. 

Some situations may require a woman to have more savvy. One woman wisely used a voice-activated tape recorder to capture the barrage of verbal and physical abuse that no one in her church believed she was enduring in her home. Her husband had convinced people in the church that she was the problem. But when the evidence was heard, the truth became abundantly clear and the process of church discipline began (matthew 18:15–20). 

4. Giving Consequences. Along with exposing the abuse, an abused wife confronts her husband by giving him consequences for his abusive behavior—not to punish, but to protect and bring a self-deceived man to his senses so that he can get well. In most cases, abusive spouses will not deal with their extreme levels of selfishness and out of control behavior as long as they know they can get away with it. They need to experience serious and consistent consequences that they cannot ignore.

A consequence is something a wife decides to do instead of something she tries to make her husband do. And in this situation, it should be strong enough to shake up his world while keeping her safe. It’s a wife saying to her abusive husband, “I want to have a relationship with you, but that’s impossible if you continue to abuse me as you do. And that is no longer okay. I want more for our family, you, and myself.”

There is no guarantee how a husband will respond to a wife who exposes the evil of his abuse and gives him consequences. All too often, the abuser has so hardened his heart that he is unwilling to admit he’s abusive and accept any responsibility. In such cases, marital separation may be the only mercy that can be offered to him. Even so, a wife whose desire is to love her husband will not stop praying for him. Jesus taught and showed us by his example that God’s Kingdom comes to earth as it is in heaven by praying for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44).

There’s no way to play it completely safe and still address the abuse with love. Fear will continue to entice a wife back to keeping the peace. The desire to return evil for evil will call out to her at times. But if an abused wife is a follower of Jesus, she is called to walk a radically different path that reflects the kingdom of God. Not one that requires her to be a doormat, but a path where Jesus empowers her through his spirit not to be overcome by evil, but to “overcome evil with good”  (Romans 12:21)  

5. Hope

Is Reconciliation Possible? Whenever there has been long-term abuse in a marriage relationship, reconciliation is difficult. If it occurs, it will not happen quickly. Restoration is not an event, it is a process. There are no simple methods to follow or guarantees of success. 

Reconciliation must not be understood as encouraging a woman to return to the abusive situation. Paul used the word reconciliation to denote the cessation of hostility in a relationship (2 corinthians 5:17–21; ephesians 2:11–18). The death of Christ was the cost of bringing reconciliation between sinful, rebellious people and a holy God. 

Reconciliation in an abusive marriage is a cessation of hostility on the part of the abuser against the victim. It means that we must do whatever it takes to ensure that there is not a return to the destructive patterns of the past. 

Rebuilding a relationship marred by abuse must eventually cross over the bridge of forgiveness. For many abuse victims, the idea of forgiving their abuser seems like betrayal because it feels as if they are letting him off the hook for what he’s done. The pattern of forgiveness spoken of in Luke 17:3–4, however, makes it clear that forgiveness is a process that also lovingly holds the abuser accountable for his actions. 

What if an abusive husband is not willing to go through the process of reconciliation? Then a wife must continue to follow a path of spiritual counsel and legal action that may eventually involve divorce. While God hates a divorce that is selfish and exploitive (malachi 2:16a), God equally hates any form of violence that invades and threatens the security of a home (malachi 2:16b). Even God recognizes that there are some things worse than divorce. God himself divorced the northern tribes of Israel (jeremiah 3:8). 

Old Testament divorce laws provide another glimpse of God’s heart toward these matters (deuteronomy 24:1–4). Jesus said that Moses permitted divorce because of hardened hearts (matthew 19:8). Jesus did not disagree with Moses’s allowance of divorce on the basis on hardheartedness. Neither did Jesus give us reason to think hard hearts were only an Old Testament problem. What we know from Jesus and Moses is that hard hearts exist today and are not open to reason and grace. 

In the case of domestic violence, hard hearts call for the protection of victims. A wife who is in physical danger needs to separate from her husband. Eventually, divorce may be necessary for a wife who is married to a severely abusive husband—even if he is not guilty of sexual immorality (matthew 19:1–12). However, she must carefully consider the name and reputation of Christ and follow the biblical procedures for confronting a sinning brother before taking such strong action (matthew 18:15–17). 

People who have wrestled with what the Bible has to say about marital abuse agree that the kind of hard-hearted attitude and grievous behavior associated with spouse abuse are what can bring a wife to this difficult decision. 

How Can the Church Respond? When an abused woman finally reaches out for help, the place she most often turns to is her faith community. In far too many cases, however, the church is ill-prepared and even hesitant to get involved in such messy situations. Many women become disillusioned and don’t seek help from the church. 

God indicted the religious leadership of Ezekiel’s day because, as he told them, “You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally” (ezekiel 34:4). The call of God’s people is to minister to those who are hurting and in desperate need of assistance as well as those who have lost their way. The following are a few basic suggestions for churches that want to take this call seriously. 

1. Prepare to Get Involved. If a church is truly committed to ministering to families in today’s cultural chaos and to be a light in a dark world, then it must be prepared to provide the needed support structure. This will enable a woman to lovingly hold her husband accountable without the perpetual threat of physical harm and financial ruin. Consult with professionals in your area to find out how to implement intervention with an abuser and how to provide protection for a victim and her children. Also, seek liability insurance to protect the church from litigation. It’s a small price to pay for the added risk in dealing with these situations. 
2. Maintain Follow-Through. Be persistent. It’s easy to get discouraged when working with individuals who come from abusive homes. Progress is usually slow and seems nonexistent at times. Expect the unexpected. It can be draining work, so don’t allow only a few people to carry the load. Don’t become “weary in doing good” (galatians 6:9). An extensive prayer ministry is needed to support this front-line spiritual warfare. 
3. Establish a referral network for both victims and abusers. This includes housing, food, clothing, medical services, legal advice, protective services, professional counseling, and employment services. Don’t be afraid to recommend the help of other reputable agencies. The church should be the focal point for coordinating the overall ministry efforts to help this wounded person become a healthier member of the body of Christ. But the church should not be expected to do everything. 
4. Hold the abuser accountable. The church is responsible to minister truth and mercy to both abuser and victim. The church’s goal needs to be restoration. If there has been a separation due to physical violence, regular accountability must be maintained. If charges have been pressed and the abuser is incarcerated, he should not be abandoned. He needs to know that while the church sides with God in hating his sin, they (like God) desire his restoration.

What if You Are an Abused Spouse? If you recognize that you are living in an abusive marriage, here are some important steps to consider: 

1. Admit that you are the victim of spouse abuse. You didn’t ask for this. Don’t take responsibility for the abuse. Don’t pretend it will get better if you just ignore the problem or work harder to pacify your husband. 
2. Get to a place of safety. If you are in a situation of immediate danger, go to a friend or family member’s house where you can safely call for help. Notify the authorities as soon as possible in the event of an attack. In most states, mandatory arrest laws have recently been passed to help ensure the safety of the victim of domestic violence. If you don’t have anywhere you can go, call a local shelter for abused women in your area. 
3. Break the silence. Tell someone you trust about the abuse. Talk to a counselor. Call a local domestic violence hotline in your area. Don’t stop talking about it until someone listens to you and takes your situation seriously. 
4. Take time to heal. Domestic violence is an overwhelming traumatic experience that affects you at many levels. The traumatic effects can be so disturbing that they stay with you long after the abuse ends. 

Many abused wives suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTDS). You may experience nightmares, flashbacks, or severe anxiety. It may seem nearly impossible to relax, to concentrate, to go about normal daily life, to trust people or to find any real pleasure in life. Along with moments of being filled with terror, you may find yourself slipping into a pit of despair or experience suicidal thoughts. You may even succumb to drinking or eating too much in order to numb what you can’t seem to forget.

Thankfully, there is help for victims who suffer from the trauma of domestic violence. Along with the ongoing support of genuinely caring friends and family, processing the trauma of abuse with professional counselors trained in trauma therapies can help you realize the abuse is over. You can begin to truly believe it wasn’t your fault. That you did the best you could under impossible circumstances.

Above all, in those moments when you feel as if there is no one else to turn to, you have the invitation of the one who suffered and died for you. It is Jesus who said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (matthew 11:28). 

SUGGESTED RESOURCES

Battered Into Submission: The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in the Christian Home by James and Phyllis Alsdurf (Wipf & Stock Publishers, 1998). 

Bold Love by Dan B. Allender (NavPress, 1993). 

The Battered Woman by Lenore E. Walker (HarperCollins, 1980). 

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (Berkley Books, 2002)

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233