Why Do So Many Of Us Feel Driven To Meet Unrealistic Expectations?
Guilt feelings over not measuring up can be harmful. They can lead to a number of destructive problems such as obsessive attempts to please, eating disorders, substance abuse, perfectionism, stress, and damaged relationships.
But what compels us to ruin our lives in this way? Whatever the answer is, it is found inside of us. Jesus said the problems that devastate and corrupt our lives originate in our hearts (Mk.7:20-23). Let’s begin to take a closer look at what’s truly going on inside our hearts as we work so hard to fulfill expectations.
What Strategies Do We Use? In response to disapproval or rejection already experienced, the tendency for many of us is to cover our disappointment and anger and let the fear of further pain take center stage. Internally, we cover what’s stirring in our troubled hearts underneath a blanket of guilt or self-blame. Externally, however, we try to hide from what we fear, make up for our perceived flaws, and work to earn the acceptance and approval that our hearts desperately desire and demand.
Our Internal Strategy. Some people lash out when others criticize them. They carefully aim their darts of contempt at the people who cut them down. Lashing out, however, is generally uncharacteristic of those of us who feel guilty for not measuring up. We may explode at others on occasion, but we generally aim our contempt at ourselves. We can sum up our internal strategy with one word—self-contempt. Instead of being objective about the unrealistic expectations and unloving criticisms of others, we adopt the idea that we are at fault or somehow responsible for not being who others demand us to be. We often scold ourselves with statements like, “I should have done more or done a better job,” or “I was selfish for wanting their attention.”
Take, for example, the woman who painfully recalls an incident from her past that symbolized her relationship with her dad. She remembers arriving home from school one day and telling her dad how a friend betrayed her earlier that morning. She was hoping that he would notice her heartache and console her. Unfortunately, he minimized her pain and lectured her for interrupting him (he was reading the newspaper).In her home, children did not speak unless they were spoken to. It wasn’t the first time an event like this happened, nor was it the last. Unable to bear the pain or face the anger over her father’s scorn, she concluded that her desire for comfort and concern was not only wrong, but that it was the reason her father ignored and seemed disgusted with her.
Our External Strategies. Self-contempt or self‑imposed guilt convinces us that we are to blame for not being enough and, in turn, energizes our external strategies. While we are probably unaware of it, believing that we are at fault allows us to redefine the problem in such a way that we can manage it. So we set out to hide our flaws and desires, to fix what is wrong, and to earn acceptance and approval.
We Try To Hide Our Flaws And Desires. When we’re terrified of what people may do if they see our deficiencies or our desires for approval, our tendency is to control how they perceive us. Many of us do this by making it look as if we have it all together and that we need nothing from them. We think that self-contempt authorizes us to use whatever resources are available to ensure that no one ever sees us as incompetent or needy men or women, husbands or wives, fathers or mothers, sons or daughters, professionals or friends.
The strategy to hide behind a facade of competency is not to be mistaken for legitimate efforts to be a caring spouse or parent, to be a friend who listens, or to handle a task responsibly. It is an attempt never to allow ourselves to be in a position where our flaws or desires might be exposed in a way that risks additional ridicule or rejection.
Ann’s life is a good illustration of the strategy to hide. She was a woman who flawlessly kept a busy schedule and was rarely a burden to others. In her mind, she couldn’t risk being seen as a liability or needy. It was too dangerous. Ann grew up with a mother who was not only a perfectionist but cold and distant. She learned at a very young age not to ask for love from anyone. Her mother, who herself grew up in a home marked by verbal and sexual abuse, taught Ann that the desire for love is a sign of weakness that others will use to take advantage of her.
This confused Ann at first, but regrettably, she came to accept it after tasting the bitterness of betrayal in her relationships. Additionally, her mother ruthlessly criticized her if she didn’t live up to her idealistic standards. Her mother’s verbal attacks slashed deep into her heart, but Ann agreed that her mother was right. She began to believe her mother’s criticisms (notice her self-contempt) and that the desire for love was foolish. So she put on a mask of competency to keep others from seeing her imperfections and desires.
We Try To Fix What Is Wrong. Self-contempt is always present to remind us that we’re the problem. Since we see the problem as one of not measuring up, we try to fix it. We try to make up for our flaws by living up to the standards of others, especially those people we don’t want to be upset with us. The expectations we’ve failed to meet often determine what we try to fix. If we’re not thin enough for our parents, spouse, or peers, we’ll lose some weight. If we’re not intelligent enough, we’ll study harder. If we’re not successful enough, we’ll push for a promotion or search for a better-paying job. If we’re made to feel that we don’t give enough money to the church, we’ll increase our giving. We’ll do whatever it takes to fix what we believe to be wrong with us.
Kelly’s story portrays an example of the strategy to fix what is wrong. Recall how guilty she felt for not being able to take her friend to the store. In her mind, she was a failure. She wasn’t able to get any sleep until she came up with an idea for how to make it up to her friend. Her solution, motivated more out of fear than consideration, was to offer her friend a ride to the body shop when her car was ready to be picked up.
We Try To Earn Acceptance And Approval. As we work to hide our flaws and work to fix what we view to be wrong with us, we are secretly attempting to earn the approval of others or trying to keep what little acceptance we may already have. We don’t let others know what we’re looking for. Often we are unaware of it ourselves.
Whether we’re aware of it or not, relationships are reduced to transactions where we use the currency of meeting expectations to buy acceptance and approval. We work hard to meet the expectations of those whose acceptance and approval we desperately crave. Some of us seek this from almost everyone with whom we come in contact. Whether it be a clerk at a store or a stranger we happen to be sitting next to on a bus or an airplane, we just can’t stand the thought of anyone disliking us.
For others, the desperate craving for approval is limited to a handful of individuals. The list might include a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend, a co-worker, a boss, or a teacher.
Tom’s situation is a good example of the strategy to earn approval. There was no question that his dad would disapprove of him if he chose a career in engineering. Since his dad’s approval was his highest priority, he believed he simply had no choice but to work for his dad and set aside the career of his choice. It’s the only way he could earn his dad’s approval.
Efforts to blame ourselves, to fix what is wrong ,to hide what we can’t fix, and to earn acceptance and approval are all strategies that many of us resort to in differing degrees. For some, this is a serious problem, for others it is only an occasional issue. In any event, there’s a payoff. We always get something out of our strategies.
This article is Adapted from When We Don’t Measure Up: Escaping the Grip of Guilt, a Discovery Series resource from Our Daily Bread Ministries. To read the full article, or to order free copies of this or hundreds of other free resources, click the link or the banner below.
