Near the conclusion of J.R.R. Tolkien’s novel The Lord of the Rings, Frodo—the unlikeliest of heroes—is on the verge of completing his mission to destroy the Ring of Power. With the fate of Middle-earth hanging in the balance, all he has to do is drop the ring into the fiery abyss of Mount Doom.
There’s only one problem. Frodo can’t do it.
Even with so much at stake, and despite every noble intention, the brave hobbit is unable to let go of the ring. Its dark powers so intoxicate him they have overtaken his mind and his will.
We can identify with Frodo’s struggle. We hold things in our lives we know we should get rid of—compulsive, often secret habits that drain the life from us and hurt the people we love. We stand to lose so much, but we can’t seem to let them go.
We call these habits addictions, and they are no ordinary struggles. They threaten to consume our lives in destructive and dehumanizing ways.
Perhaps it’s the compulsive urge to look at Internet porn or read the latest racy novel. Maybe it’s something as innocent but habit-forming as social media or video games. Or we can’t stay away from the casino or keep from bingeing on alcohol. It might be overeating or compulsive exercise or intentionally hurting ourselves.
What Do Addictions Promise?
The truth is nearly anything can develop into an obsession that takes over our lives. Even though we know it’s harmful to continue down the path of excess, and we have vowed to quit more times than we can count, stopping seems impossible.
Why can’t we let our addictions go? In part, it’s because they promise to do things for us—things we’ve come to believe we can’t survive without. Unless we are open to discover and replace our addictions with something more promising, they will continue to draw us back the way bugs are drawn to a light.
There is another way—one that can replace such urges and render them powerless. Drawing from a worldview shaped by the story of the Bible, we can experience a hopeful alternative to the false promise of addictions. What Do Addictions Promise?
Many factors contribute to our harmful obsessions. Genetics, family background, social circumstances, or mental illness are some of the influences that make us prone to compulsive habits. Once begun, our obsessions grow more difficult to resist because of what they promise to do for us. Addictions offer relief and control in a world more painful, frightening, and unpredictable than we can bear.
The Promise of Relief
Most of us would admit that addictions make us feel good. Gorging on junk-food calories, gambling on the next “big win,” or clicking through pornographic websites causes the pleasure center of our brain to light up like a Christmas tree. The thrill triggers more cravings, driving us back for more and more of what gave us the spike in pleasure.
There comes a point, however, when an activity crosses a line into something more than a thirst to feel instantly good. Soon that rush of pleasure becomes a habitual way to escape reality.
Our addictions promise to dull or completely numb our painful memories and emotions that remind us of trauma, neglect, and abuse. And addictions deliver on that promise—for a while. But the relief that comes so easily wears off quickly. Temporary relief creates compulsive cravings for more relief. Before we know it, we are trapped in a destructive pattern of seeking relief through short-lived escapes.
Temporary relief creates compulsive cravings for more relief.
Giving in to compulsion again and again always leave us worse off than it finds us. We not only experience the pain of withdrawal when our addiction is unavailable, but painful waves of shame and self-judgment begin to pound us. We hate our lack of self-control. We loathe how many times we’ve told ourselves the last time will be the last time. So much time, energy, and money wasted on a temporary solution that only makes us feel worse. Most of all, we are certain that if we told anyone our secret they would despise us as much as we despise ourselves.
These waves of shame and self-hatred build and become so intolerable we will do anything to escape them, including repeating the very behaviors that caused us to feel so awful. When the binge is over and the bad feelings return (as they always do), we feel the compulsion to keep engaging in the madness of trying to fix a problem with a problem.
This ever-elusive pursuit of relief not only reinforces toxic feelings of shame, it can eventually leave us feeling so dead inside that we can’t stand it. The numbing from the addiction stifles our capacity to enjoy experiences like music, reading, or a sharing a meal with family and friends. After a while, we can’t feel anything except shame. And so we find ourselves returning to our addictions as a way of feeling we are still alive. But this too quickly dries up. When the thrill of the moment fades, the urge to seek the relief of another instant high reels us in for more.
The false promise of relief—in whatever form it takes—become a vicious loop that seems even more unstoppable as it colludes with addiction’s equally strong promise of control.
The Promise of Control
Addictions mask the deepest heartaches of life. For a time, they can soothe the stress of past losses and trauma or distract us from present troubles. Whether we gamble online, vomit up our dinner, or absorb ourselves in a project to keep our feelings at bay, the relief we find seems to be within our control. We’re calling the shots. Deep down, that’s just what we want.
Addictions become so intoxicating because they promise us predictable doses of comfort and relief that create the sense of being in charge. But it’s all an illusion, promising us freedom and escape on our terms, only to trap us in a life-draining cycle of bondage and shame.
In exchange for the promise of relief and control, our addictions master us. They flip the script and impose their will on us, demanding more and more while delivering less and less.
Despite all the promises to stop, enough is never enough. We always need more. The sobering truth is that we end up enslaved to what had promised us freedom.
A More Promising Way
Starting an addiction is easy. Stopping is hard. Breaking free from the clutches of an addiction becomes a miracle in itself, but for most that miracle won’t be instantaneous or painless. We’ve come to rely on our addiction to such an extent that letting it go seems like losing a piece of ourselves.
One thing remains certain; addictions don’t bend to mere willpower. We won’t know freedom by white-knuckling our way through the urges. It’s not about making more promises to quit or trying clever ways to outmaneuver the cravings. It’s about trying something entirely new.
We don’t beat addictions into submission. We replace them. Addictive urges are rendered obsolete as we embark on a more promising journey of self-discovery and transparency—one that begins right where we are.
The journey is long and hard but wonderfully rewarding. While no one’s journey is the same, the ground we must travel bears many resemblances. In the remaining pages let’s unpack what taking this journey looks like when we begin to substitute addiction with something life-giving.
Admitting We are Out of Control
Eventually we come to a point where we have to stop kidding ourselves. Even though we argue inside our heads that we can manage our behavior or quit at any time, one regretful experience after another tells us otherwise.
Many times this is a forced admission as the consequences of addiction catch up to us. Something happens that makes it impossible to deny how our addictions are running and ruining our lives. We get arrested. We lose a job. Our spouse leaves. Our kids stop talking to us. We overdose. We get ticketed for drunk driving. We fall into a debilitating depression. We become suicidal. We bankrupt our family.
The shocking reality of the sort of person we have become brings us to our knees. Once we acknowledge we are in trouble, we also need to admit we are powerless to stop on our own. This doesn’t mean we are incapable of making choices or participating in the process of getting well, nor does it absolve us of our poor choices. It is the profound and humbling realization that we need help outside ourselves.
Admitting how unmanageable our life has become is hard, but it is a promising start that eventually brings us to a vital crossroad. With the walls of addiction closing in, we need to stop pretending we’re okay and tell others about our out-of-control obsession. If not, the addictions will surely continue.
Once we acknowledge we are in trouble, we also need to admit we are powerless to stop on our own.
At first, confession may feel like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. For years we’ve hidden our addiction from others, terrified that they would pull away in disgust. We feel the urge to retreat into isolation and figure a way out of our mess privately. But sooner or later we see that we’re only as sick as the secrets we keep. If we’re going to take our problem seriously enough to get well, we need to muster the courage to come clean about everything.
But we can’t tell just anyone. We can’t post our darkest secrets on social media for everyone to see . We can only admit our problem to people who are safe.
These trusted people will keep our struggles in confidence. They are willing to wade through the swamp of our addictions without giving up or looking down on us. Perhaps they were once trapped in addictions themselves. Such friends will humbly acknowledge they don’t have it all together and will talk candidly about their own fears and struggles.
We can only admit our problem to people who are safe.
This may be the first time we truly confess our secret. The rest and relief that confession can bring will surprise us. It is notably different than the superficial relief found in addictions. Confiding in someone safe unloads a burden we’ve carried far too long by ourselves. It lessens the shameful power our secret held over us. And it gives us the earliest glimmers of hope for a better way, a route to move ahead where there didn’t seem to be one.
This article is adapted from When We Just Can’t Stop – Overcoming Addiction, a Discovery Series Resource from Our Daily Bread Ministries. To read the full piece, or to order free copies of this booklet, click the link or the banner below.
